I was in 2nd grade – what did I know about sex or girls? All I knew was there was this girl in class that wore little dresses and was always bending over. I couldn't stop looking. I just couldn't.

Tiny waist, insane curves, lip fillers, perfect skin, sea monster hair, and epically overscaled boobs: a vision that shouldn't exist and every boy's dream?

Not a fan of plastic, but the idea that they give her the confidence, and the desire, to show them off? It's a win for all of us.

With age, it only gets better. She's not looking to get married. She's done that. She's just in it for the sport. And she wants you to want her – badly.

Lingerie, like gift wrap. Why is it so effective? Because she did that just for you. Remind yourself of that while you're edging.

Crop tops, short skirts, tight clothes – all good libido fuel, but something about going braless: The swinging is so provocative, and what is it about nipples? It's impossible not to lose your mind. If I were going to assassinate a political leader, I'd have a group of braless women walk in front of the Secret Service. Pretty sure it couldn't fail.

Whatever's your pleasure, okay?, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. I think I've a pretty well developed imagination, but I just don't get this is going to get you there. Real women are complicated, difficult, disagreeable, demanding – they're all of that and more. All that adds more tension which can work for you, if you know what I'm saying. Plus, this little silicone freak's arms are way too short.

Once, women worried about unrealistic projections of beauty offered by fashion magazines and Playboy. Now, it's AI – pirates, skinny chicks with huge asses, a fucking child with a woman's body, "exotics," impossibly big tits...   We're all doomed.